Carla, Andrew & Brittany

Carla (32) - Andrew’s Girlfriend

Andrew (32)

Brittany (31) - Andrew’s Ex-Wife

Philadelphia, PA

Married to my EX

Carla serendipitously met Andrew in between classes during their freshman year in college. He was flirtatious and sarcastic which landed just the right way on the fiery and head-strong Brittany. They were nineteen years old, still growing up, but their sophomoric relationship lasted through and after college. They were together for nearly ten years and married for three of those years. On the outside, their marriage was idyllic: two beautiful children, Catholic christening ceremonies and frame-worthy family photos. But behind the curtain there was in-fighting, jealously and bickering that left them each miserable and hurting. And as they say, “hurt people, hurt people…” Andrew had an affair that stopped their marriage in its tracks. Fast forward, after some counseling and some reconciliation Andrew and Brittany are the best of friends and co-parents to their two adorable children. One small detail: Andrew and Brittany are not yet divorced several years after their breakup.

After some time, Andrew was ready to start dating in earnest. Andrew met the sweet and adorable Carla online and the duo has been dating for approximately one year. They met for dinner and the rest is history. Carla is patient, beautiful and kind. She works in medical device sales and is frequently commutes from dental office to dental office in the Philadelphia area. She was born in the United States but her parents immigrated from the Philippines to the U.S. when she was young. Carla has serious feelings for Andrew and would be lying if she said that she didn’t see a future with him. Andrew, however, had a very difficult time post-break up with Brittany. His vision of a happily-ever-after with Brittany was turned upside down and his trust in people and himself was at an all-time low. Now, he’s in a much better place, but he has a lot of rules and boundaries in his relationship with Carla as a result of his relationship with Brittany.

Coming out of his relationship with Brittany, Andrew needs time to himself and set boundaries for his own health and wellbeing. He needs time with his kids, time with his friends and time for his career. That leaves what little is left over for Carla. Andrew’s first priority is himself, his children and of course Brittany. He’s explained to Carla that his relationship with Brittany is non-negotiable. Guess who gets to interrupt him on the back nine? Brittany? Guess who isn’t? Carla. Therefore Carla often feels like she’s second in priority in his life, when he is her first priority. It’s an unfair dynamic that causes stress and uncertainty for Carla. 

On the flip side, Andrew and Brittany are closer than most exes. They share two kids together and live about five minutes from each other. Brittany still has the key to his apartment and is technically his leasing manager. They see each other every single day as well as text and facetime often. Although, they are friends, their relationship is still rocky and volatile. When it’s good it’s good, when it’s bad it’s bad. Brittany’s nickname from college is, “Britch…” Combination of “Bitch and Brittany,” if that tells you anything... She once offended one of Andrew’s girlfriends by saying she looked like Peg Bundy in church. She’s hot-headed and has a razor sharp tongue that would decimate even the strongest of egos. She can be extremely blunt, she doesn’t hold back her feelings and can be sarcastic and condescending. It’s not a stretch to say that Andrew is intimidated by Brittany and admits that her opinion of him (and who he dates) carries significant weight. Generally, what Brittany wants, Brittany gets… Part of the reason they weren’t able to get divorced directly after their break-up was the fact that Brittany wanted to go after everything Andrew had. Andrew was threatened and scared. Now they’re in a much better place, but still not in a rush to finalize the divorce. They each say that they want an amicable divorce and will seek one out when they are ready. It goes without saying that his relationship with Carla can’t progress to anything too serious if he’s still married!

Carla does get jealous of Brittany and often feels overshadowed by her presence in Andrew’s life. In fact, it took months before Andrew told Brittany about Carla for fear of what she might say, do or think of Carla. Brittany can certainly have a mean streak. Carla was jokingly referred to as Andrew’s “side-piece” for many months when they first started dating. Andrew will call, text and pay more attention to his EX than he will to her. It makes her feel like she’s in a competition with Carla for Andrew’s attention and loyalty.

Although Carla is patient and loyal her patience isn’t infinite. At some point Carla wants children. She wants to be married. She wants someone to build a life with. Andrew has drawn a line in the sand saying he’s not ready to settle down. He doesn’t want the pressure of a lifetime commitment again anytime soon. Brittany is very protective of Andrew. Even Brittany mettles in his relationship with Carla and has explained to her that Andrew isn’t ready to get married. Not to mention the detail of still being married to each other…

Carla admits that it does bother her that Brittany and Andrew are not yet divorced and the issue causes tension for her. Andrew doesn’t need to propose tomorrow, but Carla needs some sign or reassurance that she isn’t wasting her time by being with him. It’s a difficult and emotional situation for Carla to navigate. Some days are better than others.

Brittany and Andrew are non-negotiable elements in each other’s lives. They’re still close with one another’s family members! Carla is navigating how to blend into Andrew and Brittany’s loud, over-the-top and pre-established situation with a long standing history and shared friends and family members. It’s a lot for a new person to ingratiate themselves into. Brittany and Andrew are still learning what it means to be friends and have a friendship instead of a relationship. They’re figuring out and what their lives and looks like post-break up and perhaps a divorce on the horizon. Although they are friends now, there’s always the chance that Andrew and Brittany will fall back in to the toxicity that lead to the divorce in the first place. And if Andrew isn’t careful he might miss out on a wonderful relationship with Carla…